This Could Get Messy

Just when I thought my braces had become uninteresting. Just when I had reached the point where I only noticed them every 4-7 weeks when adjustment time was nigh. All H-E-double hockey sticks has broken loose and I am not talking about the Pujols deal. No, I am talking about the aftermath of having a power chain applied to my bottom teeth. Everything I had written about during the infancy stages of my bracefacefullness has returned en masse--the food storage, the random acts of spitting, the attack on my gums by those relentless brace brackets that were molded at the hands of evil gnomes. It's all back like that high school friend you'd like to forget who keeps trying to friend you on facebook. Like prairie dogs popping up out of no where when you least expect it. Four months shy of the two-year mark of bracefacefullness, I am officially experiencing the equivalent to a midlife crisis.


Midlife crises are called crises for a reason--no matter what random act of perceived youthfullness they entail, they are bound to get ugly. Let's examine, for a minute, just what defines a midlife crisis. To keep things simple, we'll go the wikipedia route. Apparently, the term midlife crisis came on the scene in the 60s (go figure) to "describe a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the "middle years" or middle age of life, as a result of sensing the passing of their own youth and the imminence of their old age." Oftentimes, they are triggered by a sense of regret over one's career path, dissatisfaction in one's relationship, the lack of a career or relationship, kids growing up and moving on (how is this different from empty nest syndrome?), parents passing on, your "friend" Skip, who repeatedly beats you on the links, or if you are a woman, your "friend" Gina who can't wait to show you the latest Gucci accessory she just "had to have", your hot neighbor, who is much younger than you, but totally legal and you can't be sure, but you think has given you "the look" on more than one occasion, but you may have just had spaghetti sauce on your cheek, and oh dear, I have severely digressed.

Anywho, I cannot say that my mid-brace-life crisis has been sparked by any of the triggers for a traditional midlife crisis, except for the fact that my little pitterpatterers are half grown and will be ditching yours truly sometime next year. Okay, so we have the source of the crisis. What are the symptoms? Now, this is where it gets funny. Really, read the wiki page on midlife crises. Here are the characteristics listed:

• search of an undefined dream or goal
• a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
• a fear of humiliation among more successful colleagues
• desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
• need to spend more time alone or with certain peers

Well, I am searching for a goal, but it is not undefined. My goal is to get these blessed braces off of my teeth! There are no two ways about it. Am I remorseful that this goal has not yet been accomplished? Well, ask me again after 2.25 years post bracefacefullness has passed since my ortho said that he doesn't expect me to have to wear them longer than that. Fear of humiliation among more successful colleagues? Really? Who dons these brackets better than yours truly? Seriously. Moving on. While many people automatically assume that my getting braces so late in life is "all for vanity," I ain't too proud to beg to differ. For realz, folks, my TMJs were killing my head through stealth, intermittent, powerful, precision attacks.  And I just don't get the last one. Need to spend time alone, sure, but would "certain peers" be that other person you don't want to run into while out in public with your spouse for fear of creating an awkward moment? Hmmmm.

So, the diagnosis of midlife crisis remains elusive due to undefined symptomology. Fear not, friends, for I do not expect to get a tattoo, or body piercing, or red sports car, or a new friend named Chip, or start drinking hard liquor out of the bottle, or any of the other things that midlife crisisers do. No, I'll just go about my merry way, storing food in my lower power chain. I'll greet people with my pearly greens, having finally broken down and rekindled my relationship with salad. I will spit randomly and uncontrollably while LOLing. And I'll endure the constant battle between my brace brackets and my gums, because that is what all good moms do. Now, as my own mother so eloquently put it, I can't wait for these kids to grow up and move out!

What the F Are You Smiling At?

I thought I had it with Invisalign. All those ads of happy, little Invisalign wearers smiling from ear-to-ear. Looking so perfect with their already aligned teeth. Newsflash to marketing reps in charge of the Invisalign account--find some models who at least look like they need Invisalign, morons! Maybe someone like these people. Just sayin'. It's kind of like ads for Workout World featuring skinny people with perfect bodies. Um, no. Show me a photo or video of someone more out of shape than me if you want me to get motivated to join your Perfect Body Factory. Something that makes me say, "Tsk. I can do better than that. Just watch!" Instead, those ads always seem to say, "Don't even try it, loser. You can't win against Mr. and Mrs. Perfect Body." But, I digress.

Anywho, as I said above, I thought I had seen enough with Invisalign popping up every time I had to search for braces information. I did not think the competition could get more fierce. I had no idea that there was another product out there that sounds even more fabulous than Invisalign. I was dumbfounded beyond dumbfounding that there could be something even more perfect, whose ads feature more perfect people, with more perfect teeth than those found in the ads of that which can no longer be named.

But, while checking up on what's new on the Orthodontic beat,  I came across this. There, emblazoned on the home page of this freak of nature called the Damon System, is the question, "Why settle for Invisalign?" Well, for starters, because you CAN! Unlike me, whose ortho said that there is no way Invisalign will work with my god awful crooked teeth given that they would have to make so many trays for my mouth that they would deplete the world's supply of aligners. Duh! I guess that is not what they meant. What they meant was "Suck it, wire-and-bracket brace wearers! There's something better out there than Invisalign!"

But I'm not so sure. Despite the cute dirty blonde, smiling seductively at the Damon System logo as she twirls the tips of her hair in a flirtatious manner, I am doubtful of this product's advantageous claims. For starters, there's still a wire involved. And as clear as they think this wire may be, I can still see it! So what if they don't require rubber bands? (Can't wait to get these, by the way, and have one shoot across the room during an important business meeting.) So what if they are "self-ligating?" How many patients actually know what self-ligating means? Drats! Thinking I had outsmarted the Google, I did a quick search of "self ligating" in order to prove that the top hits would be about restriction enzyme cut-plasmids with compatible sticky ends closing back on themselves, thus screwing up your cloning experiments, only to find 463, 000 hits, with about 462,986 directly referencing braces. Good grief. Just when I thought it couldn't get much worse than wanting to punch the cheery, happy, smiling girl that pops in her Invisaligns at work around the same time I am picking my lunch out of my brackets, along came Damon. One more year. One. More. Year.

Those Who Can't Do Teach and Those Who Couldn't Be On the Demolition Crew Become Orthodontists

I have a new hypothesis regarding orthodontists: they are all closet demolition experts. I say demolition expert not because they would like to spend their day destroying things and blowing stuff up. I say it because that is the first job that comes to mind that would involve the use of manly tools. There has to be a reason why orthodontic devices are given names like "power chain" and now, my new not-so-BFF, "bite turbos." I believe the reason is so that orthodontists can live out their demolition crew fantasy life without leaving the confines of their newly renovated offices with fancy colorful artwork on the walls and stools shaped like teeth for the young ones. Having just surpassed the 16th month of bracefacefullness, I have experienced a new level of pain that I am sure is at least in the same neighborhood of pain as childbirth. Before you feel too sorry for me--stop! I had the bite turbos put on a few weeks ago and am now fully recovered. Until next time.

So, what are bite turbos and why do they hurt so much? Well, apparently it is more complicated than I thought. My turbos were placed on my molars and could really be classified as bite blocks. They take this polymeric liquid stuff and put a little dab on the bite surface of my molars--one on each side--and then something magical happens. When they shine a laser light onto this substance, it hardens into a little stub that prevents your teeth from touching. The goal is to prevent your teeth from touching while they are trying to realign after being pulled apart in the first phase of bracefacefullness. The power chain that they put on this time must be the supermaximumultimateheavyduty grade, since this, too, hurt like H-E-double hockey sticks for the whole week. Usually, these hurt for an hour or two and then I'm fine. I should have known something was up when the assistant said "This should help close in the gaps faster." What she really meant was "This is going to close in the gaps overnight because this chain is so freaking powerful, it is going to instantly pull your teeth together and might even reshuffle them so that your right teeth end up on the left side and vice versa." Apparently patients are not the only ones who lose patience with braces, because my orthodontic crew, although friendly and skilled, seem to want to get rid of me post haste.

However painful, I must admit that it was actually kind of cool watching the whole process with 3D-like effects while my head was tilted back in Trendelenburg. The problem is that my obsessive compulsiveness has refocused my obsession and compulsion onto these little things on my molars that keep my teeth from touching. The first week was unbearable. I could not stop "chewing" on my new bite turbos. The result? Flashbacks of TMJ flair ups. Oh. My. Gawd. Congratulations Dr. Orthodontist Man. You just lived out your fantasy of being a demolition expert professional at the expense of my head, Mr. Man!

Brace Blog Update: I was born on a pirate ship

It's official--My braces have officially become uneventful and *gasp* boring. I hereby surrender to writer's block and repost this blast from the past from my Facebook. Enjoy. Again.

Pulchritudinous. What an ugly word to describe something so...what? Beautiful? Seriously? Yes, that is correct. This word is an adjective used to describe someone with great physical beauty. Now, I'm not a linguist or the least bit interested in the origin of words. I only know this word because it was on the GRE and frankly, who can forget a word like that? As Urban Dictionary points out, one reason why the definition of pulchritudinous is so surprising is because it sounds like  "something unpleasant on the bottom of your shoe." Merriam-Webster states that pulchritudinous has origins in 15th century Middle English, having been derived from the Latin term for beauty, pulcher. Again, ah-whoooo? I call bally-hoo. I imagine it coming out of the mouth of a 15th century Middle Englishman, sure. But the scenario I envision involves said 15th century Middle Englisman, drunk with mead, stumbling up to a beautiful, young maiden and trying to say something like "My, you're full of goodness." But instead, his buddies heard "Eh 'er pulchritudinous." Aye! Geoffrey just invented a word! So, the true origin of a confusing word rests in the berth of the confusion of words.

Why the jib-jab over the confusion of words? Well, for one, I have been trying to learn a few Italian phrases and have been bewildered over where some of them come from. For instance, "per favore" for please, obviously makes sense since it sounds like the Spanish "por favor". But then Parla Inglese, which means, do you speak English, looks more similar to the French "Parlez-vous Engles?" And sinistra, obviously from the Latin "sinster" for left. COME ON!!! STICK TO AN ORIGIN, PROSZE (Polish for please)!! O Lord, your confounding the language of your people for building the Tower of Babel carries through its punishing effects still today!

The second reason is that after eight months of bracefacefullness, I have finally done what most brace wearers fear the most aside from excruciating pain after adjustments. And that is, I spit on someone while talking. Yes. So pathetic, I know. But I have now started salivating on the level of a pitbull terrier at a junk yard. It came right out and caught the poor girl on the arm. Well, her shirt sleeve. It did not touch flesh, but still. She saw it. I saw it. I felt it happening in slow motion but could do nothing to stop the liquid projectile that shot forth from my mouth. After a jovial admonishment and an embarrassed apology from yours truly, we continued our conversation with me holding my hand in front of my mouth. I know, I said in my last blog that I would no longer do that. That I would be proud of my gap teeth. But this has nothing to do with the sultry goddess-like powers of gap teeth. This has everything to do with public safety. God knows I would not want to hurt someone or get sued in the process. The spit blocking undoubtedly makes my speech sound muffled and may confuse my words. But this is a small price to pay to protect the public from uninvited preemptive liquid projectile strikes. So, if you see me in the future and I am holding my hand in front of my mouth while talking, be advised that it is not halitosis. It is merely my sacrificing my dry hand to save your skin, or shirt, whatever. Good grief. I wonder what is going to happen when I finally have to wear rubber bands. Stay tuned. It is bound to be eventful! Ciao, bella!

Roses are red, violets are blue, kiss me with these braces hurting, and I'll probably deck you...

Long overdue for a brace blog update, I am recycling this blast from the past. My braces have been fairly uninteresting this month. Perhaps it is the humidity. Perhaps.

"Teach not thy lip such scorn, for it was made
For kissing, lady, not for such contempt."
~William Shakespeare

Yeah. Tell that one to my brace brackets, Einstein! Who, by the way has his own take on kissing:

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. ~Albert Einstein

I kind of like that one. The same could be said for any man who can kiss a pretty girl while commenting on some TV made-for-man show that involves tools, garages, welding and lots of annoying background music by heavy metal band wannabes who never got discovered. Just sayin'.

The award for my favorite quote, though, would have to go to Ingrid Bergman, who said:

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. ~Ingrid Bergman

(BTW, you can find these quotes at http://www.quotegarden.com/kisses.html)

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, I couldn't help but think of all the turmoil my brace-wearing brother-and-sisterhood must be going through. At least I've been married for 14.5 years, so foregoing the sloppy kisses is par for the course. But knowing the insecurity one feels with flashing a smile made of metal, I must sympathize with the young, single, brace wearers out there who are facing their first Valentine's Day in kissing limbo. And it's not just kissing that can be a problem. Dating, in general, is probably more daunting. Out of curiosity, I flew to the Google cave and searched for "braces dating advice" and lo, and behold, there were over a million hits on this topic. Multiply that by at least 10 tips on each site and you get..............well, some very large number of tips on dating while wearing braces.

So, for the benefit of all you youngsters and young-at-heart folks with braces who are hoping for just an inkling of romance this Valentine's Day, let me share my sage advice that I've amassed over the past 10 months of bracefacefullness.

1. If it's soup or salad, get the soup. Save yourself the trouble of feeling dejected after flashing your pearly leafy green laden smile throughout the main course and dessert.

2. If uncontrolled spitting is a concern, play coy. Why must hand fans be reserved for the Lady of Seville? Be a modern trail blazer, I say! The eyes are the window to the soul, after all. No need for people to see your mouth while sharing your deep thoughts with the world.

3. As for point number two, this can also help when feeling the need to laugh at your date's not-so-funny jokes. If you hide half of your face while doing so, you don't have to wonder how fake you truly look.

4. Take the dental wax off before engaging in the smooching. Otherwise, one of you could end up giving the Heimlich maneuver on the other. Despite all the juvenile jokes one can make here, this is sooooo not romantic.

5. Same goes for the rubber bands. Although, these will probably be swallowed and travel through your digestive system unscathed. The trick is not to have your date swallow the rubber bands.

6. In contrast to the advice on this site: http://www.bracesinfo.com/dating-with-braces-tips.html, you are not Scarlett Johansson and your date is not Tom Cruise. I know this because I have my privacy settings set to "Friends Only" and I have not friended either of these two, so they are probably not reading this. Unless of course, they are hackers obsessed with yours truly, but I doubt it. Anywho, if you can get over those simple facts, you can get over the fact that it is not your braces that are making you look ugly.

7. Point number 6 was meant in jest. Lighten up.

8. If you have traditional wire-and-bracket braces, don't even mess with the dating tips for Invisalign wearers. Invisalign wearers are brace posers who don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to the troubles the rest of us know. So, shuddit, Invisalign wearers and go about your merry Invisalign way.

9. Chapstick. Gloss. Lipstick. Pick your poison and use it generously.

10. Grow up. Lighten up. And go out. Don't be a loser like me, who dwells on her braces, making them the center of her universe and ends up on the couch typing brace blogs that no one but she probably reads anyway. And why am I talking about myself in third person?

If you don't believe me on any of this, take it from an expert (Marcia Brady): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGV9QDcPzxY.

My biggest hurdle this Valentine's Day is going to be finding creative ways to get my chocolate fix without cracking a bracket or breaking a wire. Hmmmm. I think it is time to introduce traditional European drinking chocolate to the States.

Buzz Saws and Brace Brackets...an Interactive Journey

If you're like me, the first thing you think of when you hear "power chain" is probably this. However, when it comes to braces, "power chain" means this. Now in month 13 of bracefacefullness, I am experiencing the teeth equivalent of cramming way too many people onto an elevator. This is all due to my new not-so-BFF power chain on my upper set of chompers. Yes, it is time to close the gaps and bring my pitter patterers close together. The party's over. No more sultry goddess like powers bestowed upon me by gap teeth ala the Wife of Bath. No more amazement at how easy it is to brush between my teeth with little brushes shaped like Christmas trees. Instead, I have some band-like object with loops stretched from one side of my mouth to the other. Each loop is intricately wrapped around each brace bracket. This is supposedly going to pull my teeth back together in perfect alignment.

The good thing is that the chain is clear. The first picture that popped into my head was that my mouth would be one, big metallic shield. Kind of like this guy. Instead, I was seemingly lucky enough to get the clear power chain. After reading the description in the second link above, I'm convinced that this clarity will be short-lived. Two liquids that "DO" stain power chains are coffee and red wine, which are, ironically, two liquids on which I have come to depend occasionally. Well, maybe frequently. Like, all the time. As in, crap, I'm out! Just kidding. I do like to get my share of tannin-laden antioxidants, but am not exactly a lush. And I don't carry around a cup that says something cliche like "Back off until I've had my tenth pot of coffee!" (With a double exclamation point for emphasis, no doubt.)

The fourth item on the list that apparently is the worst offender of staining power chains is curry, which is easy enough for me to avoid. It's not like I need a jolt of stinky spices to get me going in the morning. Nor do I come home to a nice glass of curry powder to help me unwind. I don't have to worry about how to politely decline when invited to a cheese and curry mixer. And yet, the power chain site simply states "curry." Red curry? Yellow curry? Green curry? Malaysian? Thai? Chinese? Curry is quite the complex spice, as depicted in the wikicurry site. What's a curry loving braceface to do? Well, my friends, DKDC. Perhaps they should request "silver" or "smoke" colored power chains so they can look like a James Bond villain. At least they won't have a yellow power chain.