Roses are red, violets are blue, kiss me with these braces hurting, and I'll probably deck you...

Long overdue for a brace blog update, I am recycling this blast from the past. My braces have been fairly uninteresting this month. Perhaps it is the humidity. Perhaps.

"Teach not thy lip such scorn, for it was made
For kissing, lady, not for such contempt."
~William Shakespeare

Yeah. Tell that one to my brace brackets, Einstein! Who, by the way has his own take on kissing:

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. ~Albert Einstein

I kind of like that one. The same could be said for any man who can kiss a pretty girl while commenting on some TV made-for-man show that involves tools, garages, welding and lots of annoying background music by heavy metal band wannabes who never got discovered. Just sayin'.

The award for my favorite quote, though, would have to go to Ingrid Bergman, who said:

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. ~Ingrid Bergman

(BTW, you can find these quotes at http://www.quotegarden.com/kisses.html)

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, I couldn't help but think of all the turmoil my brace-wearing brother-and-sisterhood must be going through. At least I've been married for 14.5 years, so foregoing the sloppy kisses is par for the course. But knowing the insecurity one feels with flashing a smile made of metal, I must sympathize with the young, single, brace wearers out there who are facing their first Valentine's Day in kissing limbo. And it's not just kissing that can be a problem. Dating, in general, is probably more daunting. Out of curiosity, I flew to the Google cave and searched for "braces dating advice" and lo, and behold, there were over a million hits on this topic. Multiply that by at least 10 tips on each site and you get..............well, some very large number of tips on dating while wearing braces.

So, for the benefit of all you youngsters and young-at-heart folks with braces who are hoping for just an inkling of romance this Valentine's Day, let me share my sage advice that I've amassed over the past 10 months of bracefacefullness.

1. If it's soup or salad, get the soup. Save yourself the trouble of feeling dejected after flashing your pearly leafy green laden smile throughout the main course and dessert.

2. If uncontrolled spitting is a concern, play coy. Why must hand fans be reserved for the Lady of Seville? Be a modern trail blazer, I say! The eyes are the window to the soul, after all. No need for people to see your mouth while sharing your deep thoughts with the world.

3. As for point number two, this can also help when feeling the need to laugh at your date's not-so-funny jokes. If you hide half of your face while doing so, you don't have to wonder how fake you truly look.

4. Take the dental wax off before engaging in the smooching. Otherwise, one of you could end up giving the Heimlich maneuver on the other. Despite all the juvenile jokes one can make here, this is sooooo not romantic.

5. Same goes for the rubber bands. Although, these will probably be swallowed and travel through your digestive system unscathed. The trick is not to have your date swallow the rubber bands.

6. In contrast to the advice on this site: http://www.bracesinfo.com/dating-with-braces-tips.html, you are not Scarlett Johansson and your date is not Tom Cruise. I know this because I have my privacy settings set to "Friends Only" and I have not friended either of these two, so they are probably not reading this. Unless of course, they are hackers obsessed with yours truly, but I doubt it. Anywho, if you can get over those simple facts, you can get over the fact that it is not your braces that are making you look ugly.

7. Point number 6 was meant in jest. Lighten up.

8. If you have traditional wire-and-bracket braces, don't even mess with the dating tips for Invisalign wearers. Invisalign wearers are brace posers who don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to the troubles the rest of us know. So, shuddit, Invisalign wearers and go about your merry Invisalign way.

9. Chapstick. Gloss. Lipstick. Pick your poison and use it generously.

10. Grow up. Lighten up. And go out. Don't be a loser like me, who dwells on her braces, making them the center of her universe and ends up on the couch typing brace blogs that no one but she probably reads anyway. And why am I talking about myself in third person?

If you don't believe me on any of this, take it from an expert (Marcia Brady): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGV9QDcPzxY.

My biggest hurdle this Valentine's Day is going to be finding creative ways to get my chocolate fix without cracking a bracket or breaking a wire. Hmmmm. I think it is time to introduce traditional European drinking chocolate to the States.

Buzz Saws and Brace Brackets...an Interactive Journey

If you're like me, the first thing you think of when you hear "power chain" is probably this. However, when it comes to braces, "power chain" means this. Now in month 13 of bracefacefullness, I am experiencing the teeth equivalent of cramming way too many people onto an elevator. This is all due to my new not-so-BFF power chain on my upper set of chompers. Yes, it is time to close the gaps and bring my pitter patterers close together. The party's over. No more sultry goddess like powers bestowed upon me by gap teeth ala the Wife of Bath. No more amazement at how easy it is to brush between my teeth with little brushes shaped like Christmas trees. Instead, I have some band-like object with loops stretched from one side of my mouth to the other. Each loop is intricately wrapped around each brace bracket. This is supposedly going to pull my teeth back together in perfect alignment.

The good thing is that the chain is clear. The first picture that popped into my head was that my mouth would be one, big metallic shield. Kind of like this guy. Instead, I was seemingly lucky enough to get the clear power chain. After reading the description in the second link above, I'm convinced that this clarity will be short-lived. Two liquids that "DO" stain power chains are coffee and red wine, which are, ironically, two liquids on which I have come to depend occasionally. Well, maybe frequently. Like, all the time. As in, crap, I'm out! Just kidding. I do like to get my share of tannin-laden antioxidants, but am not exactly a lush. And I don't carry around a cup that says something cliche like "Back off until I've had my tenth pot of coffee!" (With a double exclamation point for emphasis, no doubt.)

The fourth item on the list that apparently is the worst offender of staining power chains is curry, which is easy enough for me to avoid. It's not like I need a jolt of stinky spices to get me going in the morning. Nor do I come home to a nice glass of curry powder to help me unwind. I don't have to worry about how to politely decline when invited to a cheese and curry mixer. And yet, the power chain site simply states "curry." Red curry? Yellow curry? Green curry? Malaysian? Thai? Chinese? Curry is quite the complex spice, as depicted in the wikicurry site. What's a curry loving braceface to do? Well, my friends, DKDC. Perhaps they should request "silver" or "smoke" colored power chains so they can look like a James Bond villain. At least they won't have a yellow power chain.