Gapped Teeth is the New...and Old...Sexy

It's time for my 9-month retainer check! WooHoo!

Reminiscing about the good old days. From November 2010:

I remember learning in English class in high school, that historically, gapped front teeth on a woman was a desirable trait. I believe the first reference to this was in Geoffry Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales in which the Wife of Bath is noted for the gap between her teeth.

Literary scholars abound will attest to the fact that in the 14th century, gapped teeth, was a mark of sensuality. Why, there's even a facebook page devoted to Chaucer in which one poster states that "gap teeth meant you were good in bed." Victor Hugo put so much importance on teeth that he named one chapter in Les Miserables, "Ninety two years and thirty two teeth." The front teeth were considered such a valued commodity that one of the main characters, Fantine, sold hers to provide for her daughter, Cossette. Although there are references throughout the book referring to the "hideous" and "ugly" gap left in her smile, I am sure these are a direct result of jealousy on the part of the characters dolling out the insults. But even Hugo hints at the beauty of gap teeth when he writes: "But she smiled on him with that sublime smile in which two teeth were lacking."

From Webster's dictionary, we learn that sublime means--or can mean--"to elevate or exalt, especially in honor or dignity" and "to convert something inferior into something of higher worth." So, in essence, Hugo is calling Fantine's gappy smile honorable, dignified and superior.

Fast forward to today, and a quick Google search of "gapped teeth history" will return as one of the top hits, an online article entitled "20 Awesome Women With a Gap Between Their Front Teeth." Among these 20 are such distinguished ladies as Condaleeza Rice, Demi Moore, Lauren Hutton, Natalie Cole and our old friend, the Wife of Bath. Powerful women, indeed. And who could argue with the sexy of Madonna and Bridgett Bardot? Also on the list. I'll admit, I have no idea who Anna Paquin and Jorga....crap I forgot her last name...are, but if some online article says they are also among the 20 Awesome Women With a Gap Between Their Front Teeth, then so let it be written, so let it be done! Who am I to argue?

Now that I am in month seven of bracefacefullness, I have a huge gap in my front teeth. I used to try to hide it. I would hold my hand in front of my mouth when I spoke. When I smiled at people along the walking trail, I quickly felt the embarrassment of Marsha Brady and closed my mouth. I think I even scared my nephew once when I smiled at him--that could have just been my post-onion-laden sandwich breath, though. Poor kid.

But now that I have been reminded of my sultry goddess-like qualities bestowed upon me by my braces-imposed gapped teeth, I have a new lease on life. I will smile a little easier. I will not hide my teeth when I talk. I will turn and walk knowing that the person on the receiving end of my smile and conversation is awe-struck by the gap between my front teeth. I will revel in my awesomeness. I will vogue like Madonna, croon like Natalie Cole, diplomaticize like Condi Rice, and ride side saddle (allegedly) like the Wife of Bath. The rest, as they say, will not only be history, it will be TMI! Cheers.

Brace Bracketology

With March Madness well behind us, I would hope that most NCAA enthusiasts are fully recovered from the withdrawal that surely followed. Admittedly, I am not much of bracketologist (actual term, by the way), and my March Madness quickly turned to March Sadness when my beloved Lady Boilers lost in the second round of the NCAA Women's tourney. After that, I really didn't care who won as long as it wasn't UNC, Duke, Tennessee, Stanford, Notre Dame, Michigan State, UConn. I'd root for Indiana before any of those teams. In the end, Baylor slammed Notre Dame, so I walked away a happy girl. As a die hard Cubs fan, I am used to saying "Oh well. Next year." While my bracketology skills are a little lacking when it comes to basketball, I have become quite well-versed in the bracketology of orthodontia. Having just surpassed my 2-year anniversary of bracefacefullness, I am hoping that we are now entering the final four. Months, that is.

So, I thought I'd fill this post with some fun facts and simple rules of ethics about these little metallic structures forged at the hands of evil gnomes doomed to a lifetime of sweating it out over a cauldron of molten metal in a cave deep in the belly of the underworld. Alright, a little melodramatic, but so what? It's my blog. Like it or lump it.

Here goes (some of this is from Wikipedia, so take it as you like it):

1. Brace sufferers have Aristotle and Hippocrates to thank (or blame) for our tortuous journeys. These two thinkers extraordinaire apparently did not have enough to think about. They filled up part of their day pondering how to straighten crooked teeth. Thank goodness we've come a long way, baby, as the thought of having catgut in my mouth sounds less appealing than eating fish eggs, fish eggs, roly-poly fish eggs.

2.  Speaking of catgut, it can also come from sheep, goat, hogs, horses, mules or donkeys. For the full selection of your favorite sinewy innards linings, watch for the fall catalog.

3.  But, I digress.

4.  Brace bracketology really got rolling in the 18th century, when iron wires were used to straighten teeth. Apparently, they were subject to rusting, a problem that could be alleviated by eating grapes.

5.  The first school of Orthodontics was started in the 20th century by a man named Angle.

6.  Please do not confuse braces with brackets or with parentheses. What the?

7.  I officially do not like this guy. Thanks for the memories, dude.

8. Who knew? The Orthodontia to Art connection: Braces and brackets for stretching canvasses. I've done this, by the way, and as an artist, it is quite a satisfying experience to stretch your own canvas.

9.  I still think it is a little awkward that braces, brackets and wires fall under the umbrella terms of "Orthodontic hardware" or "Orthodontic appliances." More evidence to support my hypothesis that all orthodontists secretly wanted to be demolition engineers.

10.  Any complaints from Invisalign wearers are rendered moot by the fact that Invisalign wearers are brace posers who should just Shut. It.

Cheers!

One Year Ago Today in Bracefacefullness

 This is what was doing in bracefaceland exactly one year ago today.

The Hip Bone's Connected to the.......

Well, technically the hip bone is made up of the head of the femur forming a ball-and-socket type joint with the acetabulum of the ilium. Don't believe me? Check the wiki site. Because, yeah, if it is on Wiki, it is gospel truth. I'm sure there are ligaments and tendons and such that are responsible for keeping the hip joint in tact and moving properly. Given that it has been ten years since I've worked as an Xray tech (rather insulting term for a Radiologic Technologist, but that's a story for another day), I really can't fill you in on the details. Just Google it. Being a joint, I'm sure there is some synovial fluid and cartilage in there somewhere, too. Otherwise, how would we get arthritic hips without that stuff being there to disappear, leaving bone to grind on bone. (And not in a good way. Huh? Did I just say that?).

Joints are amazing things and not because of the mellow and/or euphoric feeling they leave behind. Wait, wrong subject again, and one that I know nothing about. Swear to God. The one fascinating thing about joints--the anatomical kind--is that they move. They allow the body to move. My fingers are able to type right now because the joints between my finger bones (phalanages or digits, for those techies out there) and metacarpals allow for movement. If they weren't allowed to move, what you would see on the screen as a result of rigid hands tapping on the keyboard would look something like this: ;aisorjioarjaijaggajasfkg 'jgpj jasgjafjasoiupbjgtlgthhiogaglktjlthuiooiprgkl;fgshtuyoputykl;tdjio;u09[qw40-4kg.

But it doesn't look like that, so thank goodness for joints that move. What does this have to do with braces? Well, since you asked, I'll tell you. I'll give my answer in the form of a question, Alex. If teeth move, and teeth are technically bones joined to other bones, why are they not considered joints? Think about it in terms of the hip joint. The root of the teeth would be akin to the head of the femur; whereas the indentation (not a techie term) in the mandible (lower jaw bone) or maxillae (upper jaw bones) would be considered the acetabulae. The gums would be like cartilage and synovial fluid, meant to cushion the joint and prevent bone from rubbing on bone, again, not in a good way. There is actually a ligament involved called the periodontal ligament that attaches the teeth to the alveolar bones (a techie term), or the "sockets" in which the teeth sit. The point of this ligament is to allow for the chewing motion that allows one to enjoy double chocolate brownies to the point of euphoria. DUH!

So there--we have synovial fluid, cartilage, ligaments, tendon-like tissues and bone inserted into bone, all bundled together with the ability of these bones (the teeth) to move. This movement can occur either through natural events, like losing a baby tooth, getting old and hormones (fess up, ladies) or by unnatural means, for instance, getting your teeth knocked out by that fastball that was a little too high and inside. (Spring training--had to include a baseball reference). And also for instance, through the pulling and tugging of metallic inanimate objects called brace brackets and wires forged through the blood and sweat of evil gnomes. In any event, if the movement of teeth involves bone moving within bone, why, then are they not commonly referred to as joints? Anyone? Anyone?

For your viewing pleasure: http://ocsupportgroup.ning.com/video/how-do-teeth-move-during

My Orthodontist Hearts Me

Oh dear. I am in a such a state I just do not know what to do. Should I tell my husband? Oh, the angst of it all! Why did I not see this coming? The repeated summons to the office. The insistence on fumbling with my mouth. The leaning in to "get a closer look." You don't fool me, Mr. Orthodontist, man. Your infatuation with yours truly was cemented the second your Valentine appeared in my inbox.

Now, I'm not a foolish, little, naive girl. I'm a grown, married woman. I know how the business mind works. Make your customers feel special and you'll make your customers happy. But I must admit that this got me thinking. What other holidays would be befitting of an e-greeting from an orthodontist? Quick! To the Google Cave! We must find the answer to this pressing question!

January 4th: Trivia Day:  Dear Patient, Q: Who has scary orthodontic tools and can't wait to see you? A: Your Orthodontic Staff!

February 28th: National Tooth Fairy Day: Dear patient, Happy Tooth Fairy Day from your Orthodontic staff! We won't take your teeth, but we will make them straighten up!

February 29th: Leap Day: Dear Patient, Leap on over to the office and get your power chain checked! Love, Your Orthodontic Staff!

March 23rd: Near Miss Day: Dear Patient, Nearly missing your next adjustment will be catastrophic! *Hint-hint* Love, Your Orthodontic Staff!

April 28th: Kiss Your Mate Day: Dear Patient: Don't forget to use your floss threaders before kissing your mate today. Love, Your Orthodontic Staff!

May 1st: Mother Goose Day: Dear Patient: Mother Goose says:

Thirty white horses upon a red hill,
Now they tramp, now they champ, now they stand still.

But we say: Thirty white horses ready at the gate, We'll bracket them, ratchet them, until they stand straight. Love, Your Orthodontic Staff!

June 3rd: Repeat Day: Dear Patient, Repeat your flossing and brushing daily and there's no need to worry when your braces come off! Love, Your Orthodontic Staff!

July 14th: National Nude Day:  Dear Patient, Come on in and we'll take it off.....Your power chain, silly *blush*! Love, your Orthodontic staff!

August 5th: Work Like a Dog Day: Dear Patient, We're working like dogs to make your teeth straight! Love, Your Orthodontic Staff!

September 2nd: National Beheading Day: Brace wire sticking your gums? Don't lose your head! Come on in and we'll clip it! Love, Your Orthodontic Staff!

October 7th: World Smile Day: Dear Patient, 'Nuff said! Love, Your Orthodontic Staff!

November 20th: Beautiful Day: Dear Patient, It's a beautiful day! And so are you! Love, Your Orthodontic Staff!

December 23rd: Roots Day: Dear Patient, Don't neglect your roots! Root canals with braces is soooooo not fun! Love, Your Orthodontic Staff!

This Could Get Messy

Just when I thought my braces had become uninteresting. Just when I had reached the point where I only noticed them every 4-7 weeks when adjustment time was nigh. All H-E-double hockey sticks has broken loose and I am not talking about the Pujols deal. No, I am talking about the aftermath of having a power chain applied to my bottom teeth. Everything I had written about during the infancy stages of my bracefacefullness has returned en masse--the food storage, the random acts of spitting, the attack on my gums by those relentless brace brackets that were molded at the hands of evil gnomes. It's all back like that high school friend you'd like to forget who keeps trying to friend you on facebook. Like prairie dogs popping up out of no where when you least expect it. Four months shy of the two-year mark of bracefacefullness, I am officially experiencing the equivalent to a midlife crisis.


Midlife crises are called crises for a reason--no matter what random act of perceived youthfullness they entail, they are bound to get ugly. Let's examine, for a minute, just what defines a midlife crisis. To keep things simple, we'll go the wikipedia route. Apparently, the term midlife crisis came on the scene in the 60s (go figure) to "describe a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the "middle years" or middle age of life, as a result of sensing the passing of their own youth and the imminence of their old age." Oftentimes, they are triggered by a sense of regret over one's career path, dissatisfaction in one's relationship, the lack of a career or relationship, kids growing up and moving on (how is this different from empty nest syndrome?), parents passing on, your "friend" Skip, who repeatedly beats you on the links, or if you are a woman, your "friend" Gina who can't wait to show you the latest Gucci accessory she just "had to have", your hot neighbor, who is much younger than you, but totally legal and you can't be sure, but you think has given you "the look" on more than one occasion, but you may have just had spaghetti sauce on your cheek, and oh dear, I have severely digressed.

Anywho, I cannot say that my mid-brace-life crisis has been sparked by any of the triggers for a traditional midlife crisis, except for the fact that my little pitterpatterers are half grown and will be ditching yours truly sometime next year. Okay, so we have the source of the crisis. What are the symptoms? Now, this is where it gets funny. Really, read the wiki page on midlife crises. Here are the characteristics listed:

• search of an undefined dream or goal
• a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
• a fear of humiliation among more successful colleagues
• desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
• need to spend more time alone or with certain peers

Well, I am searching for a goal, but it is not undefined. My goal is to get these blessed braces off of my teeth! There are no two ways about it. Am I remorseful that this goal has not yet been accomplished? Well, ask me again after 2.25 years post bracefacefullness has passed since my ortho said that he doesn't expect me to have to wear them longer than that. Fear of humiliation among more successful colleagues? Really? Who dons these brackets better than yours truly? Seriously. Moving on. While many people automatically assume that my getting braces so late in life is "all for vanity," I ain't too proud to beg to differ. For realz, folks, my TMJs were killing my head through stealth, intermittent, powerful, precision attacks.  And I just don't get the last one. Need to spend time alone, sure, but would "certain peers" be that other person you don't want to run into while out in public with your spouse for fear of creating an awkward moment? Hmmmm.

So, the diagnosis of midlife crisis remains elusive due to undefined symptomology. Fear not, friends, for I do not expect to get a tattoo, or body piercing, or red sports car, or a new friend named Chip, or start drinking hard liquor out of the bottle, or any of the other things that midlife crisisers do. No, I'll just go about my merry way, storing food in my lower power chain. I'll greet people with my pearly greens, having finally broken down and rekindled my relationship with salad. I will spit randomly and uncontrollably while LOLing. And I'll endure the constant battle between my brace brackets and my gums, because that is what all good moms do. Now, as my own mother so eloquently put it, I can't wait for these kids to grow up and move out!

What the F Are You Smiling At?

I thought I had it with Invisalign. All those ads of happy, little Invisalign wearers smiling from ear-to-ear. Looking so perfect with their already aligned teeth. Newsflash to marketing reps in charge of the Invisalign account--find some models who at least look like they need Invisalign, morons! Maybe someone like these people. Just sayin'. It's kind of like ads for Workout World featuring skinny people with perfect bodies. Um, no. Show me a photo or video of someone more out of shape than me if you want me to get motivated to join your Perfect Body Factory. Something that makes me say, "Tsk. I can do better than that. Just watch!" Instead, those ads always seem to say, "Don't even try it, loser. You can't win against Mr. and Mrs. Perfect Body." But, I digress.

Anywho, as I said above, I thought I had seen enough with Invisalign popping up every time I had to search for braces information. I did not think the competition could get more fierce. I had no idea that there was another product out there that sounds even more fabulous than Invisalign. I was dumbfounded beyond dumbfounding that there could be something even more perfect, whose ads feature more perfect people, with more perfect teeth than those found in the ads of that which can no longer be named.

But, while checking up on what's new on the Orthodontic beat,  I came across this. There, emblazoned on the home page of this freak of nature called the Damon System, is the question, "Why settle for Invisalign?" Well, for starters, because you CAN! Unlike me, whose ortho said that there is no way Invisalign will work with my god awful crooked teeth given that they would have to make so many trays for my mouth that they would deplete the world's supply of aligners. Duh! I guess that is not what they meant. What they meant was "Suck it, wire-and-bracket brace wearers! There's something better out there than Invisalign!"

But I'm not so sure. Despite the cute dirty blonde, smiling seductively at the Damon System logo as she twirls the tips of her hair in a flirtatious manner, I am doubtful of this product's advantageous claims. For starters, there's still a wire involved. And as clear as they think this wire may be, I can still see it! So what if they don't require rubber bands? (Can't wait to get these, by the way, and have one shoot across the room during an important business meeting.) So what if they are "self-ligating?" How many patients actually know what self-ligating means? Drats! Thinking I had outsmarted the Google, I did a quick search of "self ligating" in order to prove that the top hits would be about restriction enzyme cut-plasmids with compatible sticky ends closing back on themselves, thus screwing up your cloning experiments, only to find 463, 000 hits, with about 462,986 directly referencing braces. Good grief. Just when I thought it couldn't get much worse than wanting to punch the cheery, happy, smiling girl that pops in her Invisaligns at work around the same time I am picking my lunch out of my brackets, along came Damon. One more year. One. More. Year.

Those Who Can't Do Teach and Those Who Couldn't Be On the Demolition Crew Become Orthodontists

I have a new hypothesis regarding orthodontists: they are all closet demolition experts. I say demolition expert not because they would like to spend their day destroying things and blowing stuff up. I say it because that is the first job that comes to mind that would involve the use of manly tools. There has to be a reason why orthodontic devices are given names like "power chain" and now, my new not-so-BFF, "bite turbos." I believe the reason is so that orthodontists can live out their demolition crew fantasy life without leaving the confines of their newly renovated offices with fancy colorful artwork on the walls and stools shaped like teeth for the young ones. Having just surpassed the 16th month of bracefacefullness, I have experienced a new level of pain that I am sure is at least in the same neighborhood of pain as childbirth. Before you feel too sorry for me--stop! I had the bite turbos put on a few weeks ago and am now fully recovered. Until next time.

So, what are bite turbos and why do they hurt so much? Well, apparently it is more complicated than I thought. My turbos were placed on my molars and could really be classified as bite blocks. They take this polymeric liquid stuff and put a little dab on the bite surface of my molars--one on each side--and then something magical happens. When they shine a laser light onto this substance, it hardens into a little stub that prevents your teeth from touching. The goal is to prevent your teeth from touching while they are trying to realign after being pulled apart in the first phase of bracefacefullness. The power chain that they put on this time must be the supermaximumultimateheavyduty grade, since this, too, hurt like H-E-double hockey sticks for the whole week. Usually, these hurt for an hour or two and then I'm fine. I should have known something was up when the assistant said "This should help close in the gaps faster." What she really meant was "This is going to close in the gaps overnight because this chain is so freaking powerful, it is going to instantly pull your teeth together and might even reshuffle them so that your right teeth end up on the left side and vice versa." Apparently patients are not the only ones who lose patience with braces, because my orthodontic crew, although friendly and skilled, seem to want to get rid of me post haste.

However painful, I must admit that it was actually kind of cool watching the whole process with 3D-like effects while my head was tilted back in Trendelenburg. The problem is that my obsessive compulsiveness has refocused my obsession and compulsion onto these little things on my molars that keep my teeth from touching. The first week was unbearable. I could not stop "chewing" on my new bite turbos. The result? Flashbacks of TMJ flair ups. Oh. My. Gawd. Congratulations Dr. Orthodontist Man. You just lived out your fantasy of being a demolition expert professional at the expense of my head, Mr. Man!